Saturday, December 22, 2012

Wait, I'm sorry what?

Ugh...I can not even begin to tell you how many times this past week that phrase has come out of my mouth.  Sometimes more than once to someone about the same thing.  I don't want everyone to think I am just not paying attention or that I don't care because it is quite the opposite.  My problem is that I care too much and then I tend to think too much and well my head gets so full of all that mess that I don't listen well to what is going on around me.  I am not sure how I have made it this being my 4th day at work without royally screwing up. 

So what is all that mess inside my head.  Questions, worry, love, fear, anger, name it, its in there all of it swimming around clouding most rational though.  My kids and husband seem to be suffering from my mood swings most.  I'm happy joking and having a blast one minute and mad and angry the next(mostly because I am just tired)  I try to apologize but i fear they hear empty words.  I have tried so very hard to stay positive, cheerful & happy, but i feel it all moving further and further out of reach.

Now don't read into that or read it wrong.  I firmly believe dad is going to get better.  I have faith in the work God is doing.  But watching him struggle is what is killing me it is what is causing me to be less cheerful and happy.  I just want to make it all right for him and I cant.  He needs the hospital, the doctors, the nurses, the meds and the rest.  I want to be there holding his hand telling him it will be OK every single time he opens his eyes from a nap.

You would not believe how many people have said if you need anything just call.  Sometimes I wonder if that is just the nice thing to say and if anyone ever follows through with it...I can tell you this last week has been proof to me that yes, they do.  It has been pretty amazing.  I work with people that have never even met my dad and they ask about him every single day either when i see them at work, by texting me, by calling and even on facebook.  Some one offered to come clean or take care of the animals or Christmas shop & gift wrap for me.  This has me thinking..."do I look that tired, am I that absent minded that I need that much help?"   Ugh! 

People I think of as family have hardly called people who are almost strangers offer amazing help...all this also causing more questions and things to over think about.  Poor Stephen keeps telling me to not worry after all it is Christmas and everyone is busy with their own lives.  I guess he is right.  I just need to relax.  But who has time for that between working hospital visits and worrying if the girls are going to have a good Christmas or not.

Yeah so...that's me.  That's what is going on today.  No great story, no fun photos to post.  Just Tammy, crazy stressed and scatter brained Tammy.

If your still reading this blog next week I will be amazed.

Have a great Saturday.  Now go get ready for Christmas and enjoy every minute of it.

Love you all

tammy c

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